Your love is the best love! Here’s how to love yourself.

When we yearn to “be loved”, we ‘re relying on someone else to give that love to us. We want that love because we believe that having that love will make us feel “whole”, cherished, beautiful, important, and valued.   But the truth is, no-one can do all that for you, no matter how much they love you.

If you want to feel all those wonderful things, you need to love yourself. When you love yourself, you’re able to:

  • Recognise and embrace all of you – your strengths and your weaknesses.
  • Give yourself whatever you need that day, whether it’s encouragement, or a little peace.
  • Stop criticising yourself because you recognise that we’re all human and bound to fail at times.
  • Know that you’re enough – for anyone, and anything you dream of doing.
  • Have the confidence to create the life you desire.

So how do you do that? Here are a few ideas.

  • Make a list of all you’ve achieved. This is one of the first exercises I give my clients. Open your eyes to how capable you are.
  • Talk to yourself as though you were your best friend. How would you comfort, guide and inspire her?
  • Ask what you need today. It may something as simple as a lunchtime walk, or as complex as extra assistance at work. Act on what comes up.
  • See yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you. The day you were born, your mother looked upon you as though you were the most perfect human on earth. You are still the same person.
  • Live in integrity. If you tell yourself you’re going to do something, keep that promise.
  • Trust your own judgement. You do not need the opinions and advice of others. You have your own intuition to guide you to the right decision for you.
  • Don’t hold back from buying things that make you feel good. Treat yourself to that massage, bunch of flowers, or gourmet meal. You enjoy giving to others so sometimes, give to yourself.
  • Practice having conversations with yourself. Ask how you want to feel, what you need, or how you can enjoy today. Then listen to the answers.

How would you feel if you did all this? Wouldn’t you fall in love again, with yourself? After all this person speaks kindly to you, listens to you, cherishes you, can be trusted, and you can have so much fun with!

And the best bit? That person is you!

Do you feel unworthy of love?  Is your life less than it could be and you yearn for change? As your coach, I can encourage you to dream bigger, recognise your worth in the world and achieve what deep down you’ve never dared admit. Want to talk to find out more? Email me at karen@karenjburge.com

When to say “Let Me be Me!”

When you’re feeling overwhelmed it’s usually because you’re allowing everyone else and their demands to encroach upon you.

If you feel put upon, ask this question; do the important people around me every day really know me? Do they know what I want or do they just assume? Am I allowed to be the real me, or am I covering that up, just to please them?”

Sometimes it requires you to have what feels like a difficult situation. You need to go to that person and say “hey, I don’t really want to do, that’s not me!”. Or it may be “ please don’t do that, it really get’s me down”.

You always have a choice about a situation. You can choose to ignore, neglect or improve it.

Often people can’t change their behaviour if they don’t know what your boundaries are. None of us are mind readers! There’s no point in dropping hints or becoming passive aggressive in the hope they’ll understand how you’re feeling.

No-one has the right to tell you what to do, how to think or how to spend your time. When you allow them to do that they just keep throwing all this stuff at you that makes you feel overwhelmed.

Today, give yourself permission to speak up for yourself. Maybe you’ve been holding back because you just want a quiet life or to keep that other person happy. If you are, you’re creating low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem traps you in a downward spiral. You don’t think worthy of speaking up so you don’t, and so others pile more on top of you. That makes you feel even more unworthy, creating lower self-esteem and so it goes on. Round and round, down and down. You get more put upon and feel increasingly overwhelmed.

Today decide who you need to sit down and talk to. They may not even realise what is going on. But this is your chance to say “let me be me!”. When you draw that line and clearly set out your boundaries, life will suddenly become a lot easier, calmer and lighter.

Do you get overwhelmed? I have the perfect course for you that will eliminate stress, overwhelm and take you from everything feeling so hard, to a place of calm, ease and confidence. Click here – www.theelegantentrepreneur.com/signature-sales

Being like Lara

As I write, little Lara is sleeping upstairs. She is almost 22 months and a delight to look after. We put wooden shapes in their box, then switch to playing Boo with her red blanket. In a few seconds she wants to read a book but half way thorough, she thinks that launching herself at her giant teddy is far more fun.

Simple things make her giggle, and she appears to me, to be always looking for what will be the most fun. Because she is so full of joy, it’s impossible to be sad when with her. She giggles, I laugh. She smiles and I smile back.

We are all born like Lara, looking for simple pleasures, and finding fun is all that’s around us. This, I believe, is our default nature. We are born to be happy.

There are three emotions that we constantly seek; love, appreciation and joy. Everything we do, we do because that’s the feeling we’re seeking. Think about that. I mean, let’s really think about that.

When we give love, appreciation and joy, it usually comes back to us. That’s why we do it! We may say we want to be completely selfless and give these without expecting anything back, but there’s nothing wrong with giving love, appreciation and joy in the hope that we receive them in return. It’s in our very nature after all.

We can test this quite simply. If you walk down the street scowling, it’s likely that you’ll receive only scowls or even rude comments in return. However, if you smile at everyone you meet, you will have people smiling back at you. And that feels good.

So it figures that if we approach the world, whether they be friends, clients or family, with the aim of giving love, appreciation, and joy, we cannot fail to experience the same wonderful emotions that feed our soul.

Like Lara, we can look for joy in all we do and expect to be happy. If a toddler can do it, so can we. After all, we’ve done it before.

Fear and Hunger

What do you think of when you hear the phrase FOMO? It stands for the Fear Of Missing Out, a digital phenomenon, which makes us addicted to our screens.

  • It is our hunger for knowledge.
  • It’s our hunger to stay connected to everyone.
  • It’s our hunger for checking emails and messages.
  • It’s our hunger for sharing all we do, so that people may form a certain impression of us.

It’s all based on fear; the fear of missing out and of not being good enough.

We spend so much time gathering information, watching what others are doing, and concerning ourselves with what the outside world thinks of us. There are messages to check and reply to, other people’s posts to respond to. And we feel that everyone is always better, smarter and more connected to us.

And so it goes on. The more we see, the more inadequate we feel. The more we read about, the more we feel we’re missing out. Our fear increases and so our hunger increases.

What a vicious circle.

And it’s worse. As we spend increasing amounts of time looking to the outside, the less we listen to ourselves.

The “busy-ness” of outside prevents us from listening to our own thoughts. Which I have to say are usually better and smarter than those we pay attention to. Our fear should be what of ourselves are we missing out on!

Bill Gates had what he called a “think week”, when he would remove himself from the office, ignore the outside world and give himself time to think. The ideas he came up with during those times, meant he grew Microsoft in an extraordinary way. In ways that even changed our world.

We all need these times to think.

You may not be able to take a week, but a day can make a huge difference when you create space and allow your own thoughts, and ideas to come to the forefront of your mind. When you give yourself this time, you become a creator.

When you let go of the Fear Of Missing Out, you are no longer hungry for what others offer because you reclaim your own ability and power. You too find the opportunity to expand your life and your business and hey, you too could change the world.

Want more like this? You can sign up for Life Notes on this page.  Follow me at www.facebook.com/karenjburgecoaching

If you feel something is missing and your life isn’t exactly what you want it to be, then book a free LIFE ASSESSMENT and discover how you really do get to create the life YOU want.  Email me at karen@karenjburge.com

 

 

There’s no such thing as Work-Life Balance!

I’m starting to hate the phrase “work-life balance”. It’s used a lot and it appears to mean that you need to live with an equal amount of “work” and “life”. But why do we split the two? Why do we have work on one side and life on the other?

This phrase also projects an image that work is hard and life is good. But we know it’s not like that at all. Some people find that their work is what gets them out of bed, eager to face the day, while the relationship with the person sleeping next to them is slowly suffocating them.

We all have a life whether we’re working or not, and this life is made of many parts. There’s our social life, our health, our love relationships, our spirituality, our interests, learning and character, as well the work we do to earn money.

When you look at all the different parts, you see that they’re all connected and each needs to be integrated into our life. What’s more, each part affects the other.

I don’t know much about cars but I’ll use a car as an analogy. I know that if a wheel falls off, the car cannot move. If the steering wheel is missing, there’s no way to drive it, and it’s the same with the gears and the fuel. All the different bits are important, and vital if you want to drive to your destination.

We can look at our life as though it is a car. If our health is not good, our work and lifestyle is affected. If our work environment drags us down, that’s likely to have an affect on our relationship at home; “Welcome home Mr Grumpy, how was your day?” If we have no time for the interests or hobbies we really enjoy, how does that affect our emotions? All these parts make up our life, and they all need to be integrated.

When we are running a business or building our career, we’re naturally focused on that. New entrepreneurs especially put a vast amount of energy into nurturing their new baby, even having the sleepless nights that a newborn brings! But what happens when all one’s focus is on work and the other parts are neglected?

  • Your love relationship fails
  • Your environment gets shabby
  • You don’t spend time with your friends
  • You’re an absent parent
  • You don’t eat well or exercise
  • You don’t have much fun
  • You don’t give yourself time to relax, restore and refresh.

Everything else falls apart. What is the point of growing a successful business, getting a promotion and earning a lot of money if you’re alone, slowly dying inside?

So let’s forget this work-life balance idea and realise that work is just a part of a rich and fulfilling life. It’s a very important part but just a part nonetheless and you only have one precious life. So when you’re focusing on winning in business, make sure that your whole life can be celebrated too.

Want more like this? You can sign up for Life Notes on this page.  Follow me at www.facebook.com/karenjburgecoaching

If you feel something is missing and your life isn’t exactly what you want it to be, then book a free LIFE ASSESSMENT and discover how you really do get to create the life YOU want.  Email me at karen@karenjburge.com

How do you want to feel this year?

This week in Facebook I asked “How do you want to feel this year? Give me one word.”

I believe that knowing how we want to feel is more important than anything else. Your feelings are what’s inside your very soul. They are so integral to you that when you know how you want to feel, and can put those into words, you have a compass for each day and throughout the year. They are the guidance system for your life!

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The answers to my question were varied and I found them fascinating. There were wonderful powerful words like Fabulous, Brave, Bold, Fearless, Legendary and Proud. These are people who have decided to have an awesome year ahead, striding through it purposefully, and being the best they can possibly be.

The wonderful thing is, we can choose how we want to feel. Nobody can MAKE us feel anything.

If we are dealing with someone angry, we can decide to allow them their own experience, or we can decide to get upset and retaliate. If someone is unkind to us, we can choose to forgive them, or we can choose to feel smaller, or inadequate. 

Even if we feel we have not control over our lives, we always have control over our feelings.

When deciding how you want to feel, and finding a word to express that , it helps to be aware that there are words where you’re relying on other people to make you feel a certain way. Like Loved and Supported.

If you’re working out how you want to feel, it’s easy to slip into this, beware! Do you want to be loving? That’s about you giving love though. How about just “I want to feel Love?”  

As for supported, if you need to be supported this year, how would you feel if that happened? Is your word perhaps Secure, Capable or Strong? Other words to watch out for are respected, cherished and heard. All good words, but a slight change makes a huge difference.

How do we choose how we want to feel?

I sometimes have clients saying they don’t know how they want to feel. Working with opposites often helps. How don’t you want to feel this year? Maybe looking back on last year there were times when you felt a failure; you felt incapable to achieving anything, and totally stupid.

If those are the feeling you don’t want to experience again, what would the opposite feelings be? Successful, capable, strong, and able to achieve anything? You want to feel like a rock star, and invincible.

Start with what you don’t want and you’ll easily find what you desire.

Gaining clarity on how you want to feel is a very powerful tool. We all start the year with various goals. But what’s the feeling behind the goal? How will you feel if you reach it? That’s the feeling you crave. Why wait until you reach that goal? By doing things today that make you feel the way you want to feel, you’re already on the path to feeling great, and isn’t that what we all want?

If you want to get clear on how you want to feel (because that’s the greatest feeling ever), then give yourself time to think, and keep an open mind and an open heart. Don’t rush, there are so many words for feelings in the English language and some will resonate immediately, while others will need to be tried on, like a new shirt.

When you discover your feeling word, it will feel right, like you’ve arrived home. Now you know how you want to feel, each day you can take small actions that make you feel that way.  You’ll be on the perfect path to achieving your goal, but the journey itself will be more aligned and joyous than you ever thought possible.

Want more like this? You can sign up for Life Notes on this page.  Follow me at www.facebook.com/karenjburgecoaching

If you feel something is missing and your life isn’t exactly what you want it to be, then book a free LIFE ASSESSMENT and discover how you really do get to create the life YOU want.  Click HERE.

There’s no shortcut.

It’s that time of year when we consider making New Year Resolutions.  We read endless posts on social media about what will make 2019 a great year. “Do this one thing to improve your life in 2019!” they cry. Or “How I lost 2 stone in 2 months!”. Even, “My three easy steps to building a six figure business.”  

And we love it because it implies there’s a shortcut. If we just follow their system, and tread in their footsteps, everything will be different.

We love the idea of learning from someone else, especially the well-known, whether it’s Frank Kern, or Tim Ferriss, Usain Bolt, or Michelle Obama – how they became so successful. And there are wonderful things to learn from all of them. But none of them achieved instant success. And neither will we.

I’ve done it; bought the course, followed the challenges and tried the systems, but I’ve discovered with myself and my clients, that actually that’s not how it works. How it works is this:

Make a commitment to a small change everyday. And stick to it.

That’s it. That’s all you need to do.

baby steps

For instance, if you set yourself a goal to run a marathon, you wouldn’t stride out of the door and run all those kilometres immediately would you? You’d find you couldn’t do it and instantly give up. No-one can do that unless they’re already a trained marathon runner.

You’d break it down. You’d run small amounts gradually building up. You’d start at the beginning.

If your goal is to run a marathon this year, you don’t even have to decide to run a kilometre every day. However, you can commit to just putting on your running shoes and stand at the back door each day. It’s the first small change.

The beginning of any journey, whether it’s losing weight, learning a language or building a business, is to commit to the first steps. When you’re concerned about achieving the big audacious goal, you can take the tiniest step you can think of. And commit to that.

Find the one small thing that you can do, every day, or every week, which over time will add up to what you want. You just need to choose one.
But you do have to commit. You need to make a solemn promise that you’ll do that thing, no matter what. You may miss a day, and that’s OK (yes, we’re all human and life happens), but you can promise yourself that you won’t miss two days in a row.

The very act of doing the smallest thing drives you forward. These small changes can add up to something huge. What could you achieve in a year?

Having breakfast just one hour later can lead you to lose the excess weight you want to shift.
Learning one phrase in Italian each day, or even just a word, would enable you to chat to a local in 12 months.
Thinking of one potential customer each day could double your business turnover.

Like a lot of things in life, it’s not easy, but it is simple.

Tiny, tiny, baby steps. They won’t transform your life, but they’ll certainly start the journey.

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If you feel something is missing and your life isn’t exactly what you want it to be, then book a free consultation and discover how you really do get to create the life YOU want.  Click HERE.

One very sad sentence

“I had the house but I lost the home. I had success but I had no significance. I had power but I had no purpose. I had money but I had no meaning.” That was a powerful realisation for Simon Bailey.

He saw one day that by being totally wrapped up in his work, he’d neglected those he loved most. His daughter had asked him why he’d missed her concert, why he was never there, why he pretended to talk to her, but never looked at her.

By not taking the time to be with those he loved, and by not listening to them when they needed him, he almost lost them all.

When I read “I had the house but I lost the home”, my heart flipped. Such sadness in that one sentence.

While being so focussed on expanding his business success, Simon had also forgotten why he he’d gone into that role in the first place.  He’d wanted to do something that would help people.  He’d always been passionate about making a difference, even if it was to one person at a time.  But somehow he’d got caught up in the running of the business, the targets and the goals.  But when he returned to work after being off for a couple of weeks with flu, he saw that he’d hardly been missed.  He had failed to be of any significance. 

Simon had seen his income rise and had all the shiny goods to show for it.  He was able to give his children the gizmos and gadgets they’d asked for, the pony and the trumpet lessons.  His wife was able to furnish their home beautifully and had a great car.  But what they really wanted from him was time and attention. They craved fun in the park, laughter and play fights, while his wife wanted quiet connection over a glass of wine. Yes, he’d made plenty of money, but none of it had any true meaning.

It’s so easy to forget what really matters, when you’re focussed on gaining ‘success’.  Whether it means more money, a promotion, a better business, or more clients, there’s always plenty to absorb your attention and your time.  Your most used phrase becomes “in a minute”, “let me just do this”, or even “I’ll make it up to you”; but you never do.  

It’s not hard to get back on track and re-discover life as it’s meant to be lived. 

It means examining your values and what’s important to you.

It’s owning up to what you want, without the guilt. 

It’s realising that your life is that – your one and only precious life. 

It’s deciding to live life to the full – which is what “to be fulfilled” really means.

Fortunately for Simon, he learnt his lesson. He got help and learnt how to move from hearing to listening. He says he’s learnt that the people in his life don’t need him to fix anything; they just need him to be emotionally available.  He’s learnt that he has a choice and that the life he wants is his to create.

Above all, he’s learnt that he can be successful, but have fun, and love and laughter too.  He can have deep connection with those he loves.  He’s now regained his home, and his family. He’s rediscovered his purpose and significance to those around him and to his world. His life has meaning and he’ll go on to both make an impact and leave a legacy. 

Do you know someone like Simon?  This could be anyone, woman or man. I work with clients who recognize that they could be close to losing everything if they don’t make changes. That might be their health, a partner or even just a social life!  Outwardly they might appear to have it all, but inside a big chunk is missing. They see that they they’re missing out on a whole lot of what life has to offer. They just don’t know where to start.

So they contact me and start with a conversation.

How to get that elusive work-life balance

What is Work-Life Balance?  We all talk about it these days but increasingly fail to achieve it. If you’re feeling pulled in all directions, here are 7 tips to help you have a life that feels easier. 

 

  1. Smart phones just don’t lead to a smart life. We’re plugged into the outside world the whole time and this isn’t good for us. For some it means that work colleagues can always reach us, demanding something from us, or just keeping our minds on our work. The secret is to keep our phones separate from our “off time”. We see too many parents on their phone instead of watching the football match or performance. We see parents texting while in the playground instead of enjoying the company of their children. Let’s take back control of our leisure time and don’t let our phone dictate our behaviour..

 

  1. We all play many roles these days and trying to be perfect at all of them doesn’t work. An urge for perfection can destroy us. Our expectations and demands upon ourselves are never met, so we always feel incapable, or lacking. Let’s try and be great, but not perfect.

 

  1. We hear of “setting boundaries”, and they’re becoming increasingly important. There are so many demands on us and we need to decide what our priorities are, and then make sure that time and energy wasting activities aren’t allowed to encroach. We can say No. Say No to those people who want to use up your precious time and attention in chit chat at work. Decide not to waste time on Facebook when you could be engaging with those who really matter, and are in the room with you. It’s a case of putting in firm boundaries so that your best time is given to the people and activities that really are your priority.

  1. When your life is seriously out of balance, it’s a tough job to get that balance back. So don’t. Don’t try and change everything at once but start with baby steps. If you’re always juggling phone calls with the office when you’re home with the family, commit to leaving it in your bag between 7 and 8pm for example, or on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then slowly build it up until you can enjoy your evenings at home. Don’t try training for a full marathon in order to get fit, but start with a walk in your lunch hour. It’s always better to gradually increase any activity.

 

  1. A balanced life means self-care too. We have to sleep, eat, and bathe, and for some this is all they manage to squeeze into their busy schedules. But at what cost? We all know that we need to eat healthily to keep our bodies in good shape, and we know how we feel when we’ve been drinking too much and eating bad food. But not only is this your one precious life, but your one body that you’ll inhabit for the rest of your days. So you might as well look after it. Setting aside some time for exercise (let’s just call it moving) or meditation, (we can call it relaxing), is imperative if you want to be a high functioning human being.

 

  1. What can you let go of? Too often we commit to activities that we’re either not very good at, or we could delegate to someone else. If you can let go, it can be positive on two fronts. Firstly you regain some time or energy and secondly, you might empower somebody else by allowing them to take on that responsibility. You don’t need to feel guilty about delegating when it’s a win-win situation.

 

  1. If you don’t have a good work-life balance, don’t put off improving it. It’s so easy to go through life saying “I’ll take that break when I’ve reached my target figures”, or “I’ll join the children at Saturday sports when I’ve got that promotion.” Time is the one thing we can never get more of, which means we can’t go back and have that experience again. All we can do is make sure we don’t miss out in the future. If you’re devoting all your time and energy to your work, you’re missing out NOW.

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If you feel something is missing and your life isn’t exactly what you want it to be, then book a free consultation and discover how you really do get to create the life YOU want.  Click HERE.

I’m a Coach and I can’t fix your problem.

Life and Business Coaches seem to be everywhere these days. In fact anyone can be a coach, there are no exams to sit, and no regulatory body.  Anyone who’s offered advice to a friend can set themselves up as a coach. A twenty three year old fresh out of Business School can say they’re a Business Mentor!

There’s a big pool of coaches out there now, so if you were curious about getting a coach, how would you choose one?

Most coaches say they’ll help fix your problem, get rid of your limiting beliefs, or give you the answer to that problem that’s going round and round your head. Some coaches even say they’ll hold you accountable.

I suggest that you find yourself a coach who has a powerful and fearless approach and recognizes that you have limitless potential to create an extraordinary life. Find yourself a coach who believes in you, even if you don’t. 

A rare coach knows that you already have the answers. A rare coach knows that you have potential and capability far beyond anything dreamt of right now.

Most coaches will give you an insight, but a great coach will enable you to have your own life-changing insights.

Most coaches will answer your questions, but a great coach will help you increase the quality of your questions.

Most coaches will be a friend, and act like your best friend would. But a great coach will be brave and keep nothing back. They’ll be brutally honest if that’s what serves you best.

Why would you want an “accountability” coach? To make sure you get the things done that will help you reach your goal?  A great coach will help you find a vision that’s so inspiring that every action step becomes a joy. You won’t need to be held accountable.

Daniel Coyle, author of The Talent Code, wrote, Seek a coach who scares you a little. Why: It’s easy to confuse pleasure and comfort with actual learning. But truly good coaches are about challenging you to get to the edge of your abilities, time and time again.  Seek out coaches who are authoritative.  Who know their stuff, and who take charge.  A little scary is good.”

You might wonder, with a good partner and supportive friends, why would you even need a coach? Your partner will encourage you and tell you you’re fantastic, but they won’t push you to find that goal that’s hidden deep within. Your best friend will be there to share a problem with, but they won’t encourage you to live that wild dream that might leave them behind. Your boss will guide you at work and even set you challenges, but they won’t ask what’s the life you really crave.

If you have a problem, go and find a coach.

If you want to be inspired, challenged, and scared a little, find a powerful and fearless coach.

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If you feel something is missing and your life isn’t exactly what you want it to be, then book a free consultation and discover how you really do get to create the life YOU want.  Click HERE.